Barbie and Ken

Robert and I worked together this weekend. This can be a good thing or a very bad thing. This weekend it was good. Good in a wicked kind of way. He really really wants there to be something between us. I just don't feel it. He's a good distraction at times though. We were standing at one of the servers discussing a mutual patient and one of the other nurses came down the hall and told us we looked like Barbie and Ken in scrubs. He does look like a Ken doll. Hmmm. I always preferred GI Joe. Maybe that's part of the problem. Anyway,,toward the end of a wicked horrid day I went down to the respiratory office to talk to him. He was alone in there and I saw a tremendous opportunity. I pretty much threw him up against the wall and laid a destructive kiss on him. Messed up his perfect hair. Looked him in the eye and asked him,,Ever had sex at work? I thought he was going to faint. He squeaked out,,,no. I responded,,Wanna fuck? His answer,,It would be the best ten seconds of my life I am sure. Give the man credit for that comeback. I cracked up. Left him in the office with a massive hard-on. Went back to my hellish assignment with a smile. Barbie and Ken heh? We'll see.

I dreamed of him last night. The first dream in over a month. I woke up screaming and drenched in sweat at 3am. Coffee is good at that hour. A full moon. A sunrise. I got to work early. Had a freakishly hellish day. Crawled home to my Maggie and my Beast and good drugs that will hopefully deliver sleep without dreams. There is a huge void in me right now. I can't find the energy or desire to fill it. Robert wants to fill it. I won't let myself see him as an adequate replacement. I don't want a replacement. Hell I don't really even want the void filled I don't think. Part of me needs to hurt with him. The pain is real. Nothing else in life seems real right now. Let sleep find me. "Denial is not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin ocean".

Let me leave

How many times have I come to you
How many times have you taken me in
How have you never quite realized
That this will be nothing more than what it's been

Why is it that I return to the scene of the crime
Though there's nothing I need
Between the moments that linger before us
Haven't you wondered why I always leave

Let me Be who I am
Let me
Leave while I can

You know love don't find
This sort of man
So just let me leave
While I can

How many times have I come to you
Beaten and broken and under attack
How can you look in my eyes and my heart
And not see that there's something I lack

Why is it that I'm as bad as I am
But I know that you'll never believe
Why do you still have to love me
When all I have done is to lie and deceive

Let me Be who I am
Let me Leave while I can
You know love don't find
This sort of man
So just let me leave
While I

Can't give you what you need
And I'm so tired that I can't breathe
And I don't know if you can see,
But my ship is goin' down

And I tried my best to be a man
So I set you free while I still can
Cause I can't seem to change who I am

So just let me
Be who I am
Oh, oh, let me
Leave while I can

You know love don't find
This sort of man
So just let me
Leave while I can

Who Am I?

A month spent in self-loathing and self-abuse. Now time for introspection. Time to find an accurate definition of me. Time to shed the old skin and emerge whole. Are we defined by our station in life? Our successes and failures? Our choice of mates? Our children? Our friends? Which "me" do I want to be?
What I have learned in my soul diving,,
I am a sensualist bordering on hedonist. I grow strong with pleasure. My soul expands and soars when surrounded by beautiful music, soft fabrics, exquisite food, intelligent minds.
I am a champion for the underdog. Tenacious bitch when those I love are threatened.
I don't love easily but when I do it is forever. My soul is easily wounded. I rarely if ever allow the world to see that. Proud but not vain. Protective but lacking in the jealous gene. Curious to the point of being dangerous. Screaming liberal with a conservative twist. Fiercely tender. A walking enigma. Basically invisible in the spotlight. The cellophane woman.
Slow to anger. I don't get mad. I always get even. A mental cannibal. SmartAss extraordinaire. Carnivore. Sweet tooth. Difficult Christian. Strong faith. I hate the hypocrisy that is organized religion today. I trust the one I see in the mirror. I answer to my eyes, my fathers eyes. Easily entertained and amused. Wicked sense of humor. Extremely self-sufficient and independent. Dancer. Mother. Daughter. Nurse.
Me.